Waiting

It’s difficult to sleep when the results of a breast cancer recurrence ultrasound are just floating around in the ether. Then going down the google rabbit hole at 2 a.m. is no bueno. Why did I look at the screen when she was performing the ultrasound?? I’m not a radiologist but I guess I’ve seen so many done on both breasts since I’ve had cancer in each that I think I know what to look for but that’s not really true, not a good idea. I saw the doppler show vascularity in the area where I had lymph node involvement and in all the scar tissue that’s grown back after radiation. Blue pulsating and smatterings of red. Which incidentally that scar tissue is causing a capsular contracture, it’s so painful. In the last few months it’s gotten worse, I can’t sleep comfortably on the latest breast cancer side where that scar tissue is and I’ve read that recurrence can happen in those areas. I’m not afraid, that’s not keeping me up at night, it’s just the unknown I guess. Isn’t everything though really unknown until it happens though? What’s the worst that can happen? What’s the best case scenario?

The plan was to get a DIEP flag surgery done and even though it’s major surgery, it’s unlikely that I will have the same issues I have now. I’m about 15 years out from my first diagnosis in 2010 and about 2 years from my second diagnosis. Because my body seems to replicate my mothers, her metastatic breast cancer was diagnosed 15 years after her diagnosis. To her bones which she survived for awhile but then it went to her brain and she died within months. She went through radiation on her brain, too, and chemo again and again. My poor mom, she went through so much. That’s why this time is probably especially poignant for me just because of the timing. My upper rib on the breast cancer side is sore, my back on that side is sore, even sitting here it feels like everyday that area is just a bit more contracted and hurts.

I don’t know why I’m posting this but I told myself, just write. So there it is. More to come. I hope I get results soon and when I do then I’ll come back here and post them in a comment. Take care, y’all, and I encourage you to continue to check yourself, know your body, and be your own best advocate within the healthcare system. Talk soon. xoxo

Update 2/6/26: Ultrasound = Normal Findings, whoop whoop!! I felt pretty at peace last night and today before I heard the results, too. I was thinking, well, if there is something, I feel good now and I’m going to continue to feel good until I don’t. Talk soon, xoxo.